Rough Draft Paragraphs 1&2:

Art has the power to expand from within an individual into the community as it brings together people who are working to transform something considered worthless to worthwhile. Creating art means taking action towards a goal that ultimately benefits the world and should not be considered a waste of time as seen by the Effective Altruist group in Rhys Southan’s article “Is Art a Waste of Time?” Southan struggles with the idea about whether or not art is helping the world as he himself is an artist, but he is confronted by the realistic ideas of the Effective Altruists on how money is the most useful tool to help those in need. While he contemplates this idea, Painters Jeroen Koolhaas and Dre Urhahn show in their Ted talk that they can bring together communities to join their art project as they are giving joy to the people and their community as a whole. As said by The Guardian, they are transforming “slums” into “open-air galleries” (1:57). Therefore, art is not a waste of time, it may not be the solution to the problem but is a step towards the solution.

According to Southan’s article “Is Art a Waste of Time?” the EA believes that art does not directly benefit those in need. As said in the article, “By definition, most artists are mediocre, and their art doesn’t really please many people if any” (Pg 440). Although, as Painters Haas and Hahn have shown with their beautiful artwork that people are inspired by the creation. Haas and Hahn not only had a team from Santa Marta, a known to be violent and rough area, working together, but they also received a call from the Philadelphia Mural Arts Program to paint the buildings of North Philly, one of the poorest communities. Their art brings hope to Santa Marta citizens who are usually only known for the bad aspects of their community as they are creating teamwork, beauty, and possible opportunities for more jobs with the presence of their artwork. Artists such as these are proving why art is valuable to communities around the world while pleasing people with their masterpieces. So why does the EA not recognize the impact art can make on a community?

New Paragraphs 1&2:

Creating art means taking action towards a goal that ultimately benefits the world and should not be considered a waste of time as seen by the Effective Altruist group in Rhys Southan’s article “Is Art a Waste of Time?” Southan struggles with the idea about whether or not art is helping the world as he himself is an artist, but he is confronted by the realistic ideas of the Effective Altruists on how money is the most useful tool to help those in need. While he contemplates this idea, Painters Jeroen Koolhaas and Dre Urhahn show in their Ted talk that they can bring together communities to join their art project as they are giving joy to the people and their community as a whole. As said by The Guardian, they are transforming “slums” into “open-air galleries” (1:57). Art has the power to expand from within an individual into the community as it brings together people who are working to transform something considered worthless to worthwhile.

According to Southan’s article “Is Art a Waste of Time?” the EA believes that art does not directly benefit those in need. As said in the article, “By definition, most artists are mediocre, and their art doesn’t really please many people if any” (Pg 440). In contrast, Painters Haas and Hahn have shown with their beautiful artwork that people are inspired by creation. Haas and Hahn not only had a team from Santa Marta, a known to be violent and rough area, working together, but they also received a call from the Philadelphia Mural Arts Program to paint the buildings of North Philly, one of the poorest communities. Their art brings hope to Santa Marta citizens who are usually only known for the bad aspects of their community as they are creating teamwork, beauty, and possible opportunities for more jobs with the presence of their artwork. Artists such as these have proved the EA’s statement wrong as they are pleasing communities such as Santa Marta. So why does the EA not believe art can change the world?

Changes Made: 

As I read in the Little Seagull handbook, topic sentences are sometimes put at the end of the paragraph which is what I changed in my introduction. I moved the first sentence to the end because it described my opinion on art and was a good transition sentence into the next paragraph. It also hooks the reader at the end of the introduction to continue reading. I also read in the handbook that to show contrasts, using words words that deliberately state differences helps get to the point of the essay and helps the reader understand. In the second paragraph I decided to add phrases like “in contrast” when talking about the EA and the painters Haas and Hahn to further develop on the importance of art in both their eyes. At the end of the second paragraph I made sure to address the differences once again and then end the paragraph with a question that leads further into argument in the third paragraph. This question makes the reader curious.